Parental Alienation & India’s Stand Today: Parents, Kids, Courts & Lawyers

Cutting Edge

Parental Alienation & India’s Stand Today: Parents, Kids, Courts & Lawyers

Dr. Bajrang Agarwal, P.B.A Srinivasan | May 2020

The tragedy with the modern society is that that too many people will believe a dramatic story rather than seeking the underlying evidence. Drama is the hallmark of psychologically disturbed people. Individuals with severe mental health issues are under-diagnosed to an extent because of the existing gender prejudice in our society. Every year, thousands of children and parents are experiencing the phenomenon of Parental Alienation, and the resulting devastation. Many custody battles of children involve some aspects of parental alienation but most courts do little to prevent it. Here’s a deep dive.

WHAT IS PARENTAL ALIENATION?

Parental Alienation occurs when one parent exhibits hostile behavior/language toward the other, and in turn, causes their child to also become hostile towards the target parent. Even though the child may express hatred for the target parent, they may still long for that parent’s attention and affection. Parental Alienation is a form of emotional abuse, and is common in divorce proceedings. The children in this situation may start to blindly believe what they are hearing, and begin acting out socially and emotionally at school or around other family members. Severe Parental Alienation involves the prejudicing of the child’s mind by a parent with a Cluster B Personality Disorder, and the creation of abhorrence toward the other parent and his/her parental family. It causes long-lasting psychological damage to the child, and may even lead to death by suicide, especially when psychiatrists make an erroneous diagnosis and treat with psychotropic drugs, which predisposes to suicide.

PARENTAL ALIENATION CAN BE BROKEN DOWN INTO THREE MAJOR CLASSES:

Mild alienators: Say negative things about the other parent, but they make an effort to control their remarks. They tend to co-operate with the other parent, and encourage the parent/child relationship. Parent education is often needed to teach these parents to have boundaries that protect their children from upsetting feelings.
Moderate alienators: Are usually very angry, and may have outbursts in front of the child. The outcome in these high-conflict cases depends almost entirely upon the judge’s ability to detect Parental Alienation. The children stop expressing positive feelings for the target parent just to avoid further triggering the parent’s rage.
Extreme alienators: May cause lasting damage to the child by way of constant brainwashing, manipulation, and trauma. They are obsessed with destroying the child’s relationship with the other parent, and may remove the child from his/her place of residence to a country where they can manipulate the law. In these cases, the child will often succumb to the alienator’s programming and experience fear, anger, and hatred toward the target parent. Those children who resist will be severely punished or destroyed by the alienator.

SIGNS OF PARENTAL ALIENATION

Children of an alienator exhibit certain signs of alienation and the true emotional and psychological damage that has been inflicted on them.

Anger – toward the target parent. These children develop poor skills for dealing with conflict and emotional pain, and become quick to anger.
Lack of Self – esteem or Selfconfidence – Being made to believe that one parent is bad leads the child to believe that they are also bad, which leads to destructive behavior.
Lack of Impulse Control – Causes them to lash out in anger, or to engage in spur-of-moment impulsive acts, e.g., fighting, throwing things, or making rash choices.
Separation Anxiety – Children who are “programmed” by a parent to hate, fear, or distrust the other show anxiety about leaving or being separated from that parent.
Fears and Phobias – Alienated children may develop fears of what may take them away from the programmer. They make up illnesses as a an excuse to remain at home.
Depression and Suicidal Thoughts – Parental alienation increases the pain of divorce for the children, leading to depression, and at times, even to suicide.
Sleep Disorders – Children may find it difficult to sleep, as they worry about the dangers the target parent poses, and feel guilt over their roles in the alienation.
Eating Disorders – In an attempt to control their own life and parents’ behaviors, alienated children may develop eating disorders (anorexia, bulimia, and obesity).
Problems in School – Alienated children have problems at school such as inability to concentrate, difficulties remembering what is taught, and they may misbehave.
Drug and Alcohol Abuse – Even at very young ages, alienated children are in danger of using drugs and alcohol, which often leads to other illegal activities.
Post Traumatic Stress – Children who have been forcefully separated from a parent are highly sensitive to post traumatic stress.

Note: Parental alienation is child abuse with consequences potentially more damaging than physical or sexual abuse: depression, anxiety, addictions, poor relationships, and suicide. Alienated children live in a state of high emotional risk. They live in a war zone, having been dragged by the alienating parent into their parents’ conflict and then convinced by the alienating parent to ally with them in treating the other as an enemy.

WHERE DOES IT ALL START FROM?

Only parents with Cluster B Personality Disorders such as narcissism (it’s all about me), borderline functioning (excessive emotionality), and anti-social personality (lying and callous with regards to hurting others) do alienation. Alienating parents appear calm, cool, and charming. They lie convincingly. Alienator and child appear credible by telling similar stories. On a closer scrutiny, the alienators demonstrate egocentricity to a fault and exhibit bullying behavior. They assume that they are entitled to special treatment and expect others to take care of them and their children. Individuals with these problems do not solve problems by being rational, but rather by escalating ordinary events into dramatic episodes. They have exaggerated mood swings. They have no internal conflict, because they truly believe that they are right. If a problem arises, it is always someone else’s fault. They are always able to justify in their own mind any behavior, no matter how excessive the same is(even if they have to abduct or kill someone).

This is because they can make up the truth to suit themselves and then passionately believe the story that they made up. They can be very convincing because they themselves are convinced! They are masters at projection, the strategy that refers to when another person’s feelings, thoughts, and behaviors are reversed and used to describe the person making the complaint.

THE SCAPEGOAT AND THE GOLDEN CHILD — HOW AND WHY NARCISSISTS ASSIGN THESE ROLES?

A narcissistic will often pick one Scapegoat and one Golden Child because he/she needs a victim. Generally, the weakest child is selected as the victim and the scapegoat’s sibling is coerced into agreement. Essentially, what they also do is get the Golden Child to gang up against the Scapegoat. The narcissist loves the sense of power in making others suffer. Envy is an emotion that drives them to want to spoil the good they see because they do not have it. The narcissist wants the loyalty of everybody and also wants everybody fighting amongst themselves. So, they will fabricate lies, reveal private information about you, and manufacture enemies. Narcissists lack empathy, and do not see the fact that their child is suffering as a reason to stop their behaviors. Scapegoat Daughters of Narcissistic Mothers have to deal with the following issues:

Narcissistic abuse: Repeated shaming and control, undermining the developing identity of a young girl, creating insecurity. In severe cases, a daughter may feel she has no right to exist and is a burden to her mother, and should never have been born. She may feel defenceless and not even recognize mistreatment.
Toxic shame: She rarely, if ever, feels accepted for just being herself. Her real self is rejected, first by her mother, and then by herself. This results in internalised shame based on the belief that she is unlovable. How could she be worthy of love when her mother didn’t love/accept her? Her life is one of continual striving and lack of fulfilment.
Emotional unavailability: Emotional comfort that normal maternal tenderness and caring provide is absent. The daughter doesn’t realise what’s missing, but longs for warmth and understanding from her mother that she may experience with friends or relatives or witness in other mother-daughter relationships. What remains is a sense that something is missing, and an inability to nurture and comfort herself.
Control: Parents with Narcissistic Personality Disorder think that the world revolves around them. They control and manipulate their children’s needs, feelings, and choices when they can, and take it as a personal affront deserving of punishment when they can’t. Parenting is often, “My way or the highway.”
Competition: Believing she is “the fairest one of all” or fearing that she’s not motivates the narcissistic mother to not only criticize but to compete with her daughter. To be in control and number one in their daughter’s life, they may invade their daughter’s privacy and undermine her relationships with friends and other relatives.

LIFE IS “HELL” FOR THE SCAPEGOAT CHILD.

A child who is scapegoated by a narcissistic parent actually has no ‘parent’ in the true sense of the word. More insidiously, the child is prone to believe their parent’s cruelty is their fault. So, the child earmarked for scapegoating faces one of the most unfair of fights. The narcissistic mother gets to land her ’emotional punches’ on the child with impunity and great effect.

A scapegoated child knows depths of private suffering that can only be described as ‘hell’. They are born with the biological need for care from a parent who hates them. A scapegoated child is attacked for some trumped-up charge, mercilessly punished and then denied appeal. The narcissist’s goal is to convince the scapegoated child that he or she is the sole reason for the family’s unhappiness.

When a child is cast as the enemy in his/her own family there is tremendous pressure to turn against himself/herself. Hence, the scapegoated child joins in the collective hatred of his/her own existence. As discussed elsewhere, the child fears loss of attachment worse than abuse. At least getting mistreated involves contact.

The narcissistic parent wants the scapegoated child to believe they are as horrible as they are being told. If the child shows a sense of self-worth or self-possession the narcissistic parent will take this as an affront to their authority. In essence “How dare my child not think he/she’s as bad as I say he/she is! He/she obviously does not respect me. I will make him/her pay.”

Common beliefs of adults scapegoated as children;

Belief #1: “I am physically disgusting.”
Belief #2: “If I am not being productive, I am worthless.”
Belief #3: “I am always one mistake away from complete ruin.”
Belief #4: “I am defective.”
Belief #5: “I have no skills or talents.”
Belief #6: “If I disagree, I will be hated and exiled.”

Note: The scapegoat child knows that if they defy the malignant narcissist’s claims that the child is the source of unhappiness that they will suffer an even worse fate. Scapegoated children are often threatened with exile from the family – and to a great unfortunate effect. Despite how torturous the child is treated in the family, the threat of being exiled can feel even worse.

IS THE GOLDEN CHILD OF A NARCISSIST AT RISK TOO?

The golden child of a narcissistic mother who is trapped in the role of the “good daughter”, can be the hardest to spot and the trickiest to treat. Yet, a rupture in the facade or a crack in the mask can also be an opportunity for growth. What looks on the outside, like a tragedy can be a much-needed cry for help and a path to the essential self.

THERAPY FOR THE SCAPEGOATED CHILD TO RECOVER FROM PARENTAL ALIENATION

It is essential to separate the scapegoated child from the alienator. Thereafter, therapy may begin with the patient identifying ways they are flawed. “I care too much about what others think”, “I can’t stay self-disciplined”, “I am not a good communicator”, and so on. It can be important to acknowledge these concerns while also challenging them. Scapegoated children have no trouble taking responsibility for their shortcomings – the problem lies in taking credit for their strengths. Over time – sometimes significant lengths of time – such clients can come to question their critical view of themselves. Often, the clients who have been scapegoated are very empathic with everyone but themselves. As the legacy of scapegoating gets identified and challenged, clients can direct some of that empathy towards themselves. A massive achievement comes when clients are able to regard their own needs to be as important as others.

CONSEQUENCES OF A MISSED DIAGNOSIS OF PARENTAL ALIENATION

A wrong diagnosis of bipolar disorder in a child or adolescent suffering from Parental Alienation can lead to disastrous consequences because the label itself impacts the patient’s mental well-being. If the medical professional is clueless about Parental Alienation or makes an erroneous diagnosis based on a false presumption that Parental Alienation occurs only in children (without thinking about what happens when these psychologically scarred children reach adulthood), it can lead to serious problems. The use of medications remains controversial even in children and adolescents with a diagnosis of bipolar disorder. Since 2004, the U.S. Food and Drug Administration has placed a black box warning label on all anti-depressant medications. The warning label states, in part; “Antidepressants increased the risk of suicidal thinking and behavior (suicidality) in short-term studies in children and adolescents with Major Depressive Disorder (MDD) and other psychiatric disorders. Anyone considering the use of any antidepressant in a child or adolescent must balance this risk with the clinical need. Patients who are started on therapy should be observed closely for clinical worsening, suicidality, or unusual changes in behavior.”

WHAT IS THE CURRENT SITUATION OF PARENTAL ALIENATION IN OUR COURTS?

Typically, children benefit by the presence of both parents. They are harmed when an alienating parent uses them to accomplish their own personal vendetta, thereby ignoring the needs of the children. These children are harmed even more if society and the Courts either fail to recognise or ignore parental alienation.

False accusations are the main tools utilised in Court by alienators (and their lawyers);

The legal system needs to become sophisticated enough to distinguish between false accusations and real problems. Evidence of lying-in other situations; for instance, suggest an individual who is prone to lying. Such parents will use their gender to their advantage in an attempt to get away with their lies.
Parents who make false accusations are generally those who have a Cluster B personality disorder. These disorders can be diagnosed by mental health experts using the Minnesota Multiphasic psychological inventory testing. The courts should utilise the services of a team of reliable forensic psychologists for this purpose. Understanding of the phenomenon of projection can clarify who is doing what to whom. Professionals who understand false accusations can clarify what the alienating parent is doing.
Legal professionals need to be better educated about Cluster B personality disorders. Fortunately, there are many helpful resources explaining the nature of parental alienation and internet searches can uncover most of these.
There is also a Parental Alienation Study Group (PASG) includes more than 440 individuals from 47 countries. Most of them are mental health experts and legal professionals, but some are simply individuals with a strong interest in this topic, including alienated parents and grandparents. When handling a case of Parental Alienation, it may be effective for the lawyer to drag the focus of the court on alienating behaviors such as blocking visitation arrangements that have been specified in a custody agreement or a court order. More than a decade ago, some judges did start understanding that Parental Alienation can cause a life-long damage, and even some lawyers who were known habitual offenders were sanctioned.

SHOWN BELOW ARE SOME SUCH EXAMPLES:

In the matter of Aman Oberoi vs Tina Oberoi (2008), Justice Shiv Narayan Dhingra realised that the mother had used the child as a tool of her design by prejudicing the mind of the child to such an extent that the child started crying on just seeing the father without any provocation in the Court itself.
In the matter of Ashish Ranjan vs Anupama Tandon (2010), the Bench of Justices Sathasivam and Chauhan of the Hon’ble Supreme Court of India held that: “While considering the welfare of the child, the moral and ethical welfare of the child must also weigh with the court as well as his physical wellbeing. The child cannot be treated as a property or a commodity and therefore, such issues have to be handled by the court with care, caution, love, and affection and applying a human touch to the problem. If the instant case is considered in totality, the child has been tutored by the respondents and he has adopted a hostile attitude towards the applicant.”
In the matter of Sumana Bhasin vs Neeraj Bhasin (2010) the Delhi High Court saw through the role of Sumana Bhasin’s lawyer.
In 2010, the Delhi High Court requested lawyers not to fan fights. In a particular case, the father had been meeting the child periodically in the presence of a magistrate but the mother appealed that he shouldn’t be allowed to meet the child at all. The high court quashed her plea.
In the matter of Philip David Dexter vs. State NCT of Delhi and Anr. (2013), the Court, whilst ordering the mother to return the child to Africa felt that child was tutored by the mother.

A RECENT OPINION OF A US COURT MAY POINT TOWARD A LEGAL SOLUTION OF PARENTAL ALIENATION:

The relevant extract of the aforesaid opinion is quoted below: “Interference with a parent-child relationship, or parental alienation, is sometimes referred to as ‘psychological kidnapping,’ and means ‘any constellation of behaviors by a parent, whether conscious or unconscious, that could evoke a disturbance in the relationship between a child and the targeted parent. The behaviors listed included ‘cutting off the other parent’s access to information about the child[ren], … denying him or her information about the children’s activities, or access to the child’s medical or school records,’ and limiting ‘the other parent’s contact with the child by refusing to allow telephone conversations or visits.’ When a district court finds a ‘denial of, or interference with, a duly established parenting time schedule,’ the court may modify the custody arrangements. “

WHAT TARGET PARENTS, LAWYERS, AND COURTS CAN DO?

Parental alienation can be very difficult to prove in Court because the alienating parent is generally extremely cunning/ is an expert at playing the victim, may be guided by a lawyer who knows how to mislead the Court, and the Court itself may have a gender bias.

HOW CAN THE TARGET PARENT PROVE PARENTAL ALIENATION?

Document disparaging remarks
Record incidents in a journal, on camera or as a witness statement
Preserve social media evidence
Use a Private Investigator/Detective to gather additional evidence
Request the Court to appoint Guardian ad litem (GAL) for the child
Request the Court for psychological evaluation of both parents and the child
Request the Court for Reunification Counselling
Request the Court for regular medical check-ups of the child
Make the alienating parent depose and present the evidence before the Court

WHAT SHOULD THE LAWYER FOR THE TARGET PARENT DO ABOUT PARENTAL ALIENATION?

Ask the client to carefully document past events, potential exhibits and witnesses
Retain a mental health consultant as a member of the litigation team.
Prove to the court the campaign of denigration, emotional poisoning, and brainwashing that has occurred.
Request the Court to appoint Guardian ad litem (GAL) for the child
Request the Court for psychological evaluation of both parents and the child
Help the Court select a mental health expert either by agreement with opposing lawyer or without it.
Request the Court for Reunification Counselling
Request the Court for regular medical check-ups of the child
Depose the alienating parent and present the evidence in Court

WHAT SHOULD THE LAWYER FOR THE ALIENATING PARENT DO ABOUT PARENTAL ALIENATION?

Understand the possible causes of alienation, estrangement, and other mental conditions.
In addition to conducting his/her own assessment, the lawyer should arrange for a comprehensive evaluation of the family.
If the lawyer realises that his/ her client is actively indoctrinating the child against the target parent, she has an ethical dilemma – whether to continue advocating for a parent who is perpetrating psychological child abuse or to withdraw from that task.
Avoid contributing to child abuse
Advise the parent to cease his/ her alienating activities and find a way to encourage the child to have a good relationship with the other parent. Unfortunately, this approach may work with naïve and some active alienators, but not with obsessed alienators.
Advise the parent to accept a parenting plan and a parenting time schedule that allows both parents to be involved in raising the child. Unfortunately, an obsessed alienator is unlikely to accept that advice.
If the alienating parent is unable to understand or follow the lawyer’s advice, the lawyer should discharge themselves from the case.

WHAT SHOULD COURTS DO ABOUT PARENTAL ALIENATION?

Stop the assumption that only mothers can look after the children and all that fathers are good for is going out and earning money to provide for the children.
Accept that not all mothers are caring and decent human beings, and many fathers are capable of raising children as well as providing for them.
Be prepared to step in and decide what is right for the children, against their wishes and those of the alienating parent, with whom they may have lived for many years.
In the case of children who were removed from their place of habitual residence to a different State or Country, it is essential to review the orders and findings of Courts and Experts of that State or Country and reach at a conclusion within 30 days.
Appoint a Guardian ad litem (GAL) for the child and order psychological evaluation of both parents and the child
Select a mental health expert either by agreement with both lawyers or without it.
Order regular medical check-ups of the child
Order for deposing by the alienating parent and presenting the evidence in Court
Mandate reunification therapy and be prepared to change the physical and/ or legal custody of the child if they believe the alienation is causing harm.
Report to the Bar and impose heavy fines on the lawyer for the parent perpetrating psychological child abuse if he/she is found to be helping his/her client in indoctrinating the child against the target parent or if he/she is in any way contributing to the child abuse. If the lawyer is a habitual offender, debar the lawyer’s license to practice law.
If the child dies while living with the alienating parent, a full magistrate’s enquiry should be held, and if the death was in any way related to the psychological abuse, then the alienating parent and his/her lawyer should be held liable for the death.

Note: The Courts have an additional responsibility of policing the medical professionals, law enforcement and even themselves, especially if the child dies or even if he/she is damaged psychologically. Hence, it is important to strengthen and enforce the laws related to negligence and malpractice.

WHAT ARE THE DUTIES OF THE COURT APPOINTED GUARDIAN AD LITEM (GAL)?

Identify and serve the best interests of the child.
Get educated regarding the various causes of contact refusal.
When the child expresses an adamant desire to never to see the target parent again, the GAL should not support the child’s demands because they are usually driven by a false belief that the target parent is evil or dangerous.
Have the child and the parents evaluated by a competent mental health professional who could help the parents, the GAL, and the other legal personnel understand the basis for the child’s contact refusal, whether it is Parental Alienation or some other explanation.

To protect the victims of Parental Alienation:

There is a real merit to using a well-coordinated interdisciplinary psycho-judicial team of experts to work with the cases of Parental Alienation.
Families, lawyers, courts and mental health professionals need better guidance and solution-focused models to resolve extended conflicts and focus on the best interest of the child.
Stop parental child abductions from one state to another and from one country to another. Punish all those who assist in such wrongdoings.
Courts should not use a gender-biased approach and then claim that they are focusing on the best interest of the child. Making an automatic presumption “that the mother will always the better parent” is absolutely baseless.
Separate the child from the alienating parent, and grant custody to target parent (the saner parent). At times, the father or the grandparents or other relatives may make better parents.
Identify the professionals who do not believe in Parental Alienation and weed out those who encourage their clients to indulge in Parental Alienation.
Outcomes can be devastating when some medical, legal, social workers or other professionals feed the rage and revenge, over identify with their client, or lose the necessary distance to best advise them.

IN A NUT SHELL

Narcissists surround themselves with people who are willing to cater to their obsessive craving for affirmation, and some susceptible legal and medical professionals are only too willing to bend the rules to help the narcissist/abuser get away by even committing murder. Such professionals should be identified and prosecuted to the fullest extent.

About Author

Dr. Bajrang Agarwal

Dr. Bajrang L. Agarwal, MD is the Chairman of Pediatrics at Lawrence Hospital in Bronxville, New York, USA and has been in practice for more than 30 years.

P.B.A Srinivasan

P.B.A Srinivasan is an Editor in Chief at Lex Witness