India is facing a rapidly accelerating divorce rate. At the same time, it is bogged down by antiquated laws, and an absence of checks and balances. The legal system often ignores hard facts and evidence when family matters are heard in court, specifically custody battles or separations. Because people get swayed by emotions when making decisions about family, thousands of children and parents suffer the resulting devastation. The Family Court Act allows for primary custody to one parent and limited access to non-custodial parents. In essence, the law pits divorcing spouses against each other, and the courts pick “winners” and “losers” based on presumptions or influences, forgetting that a child needs both parents. Young children are subjected to stressful and traumatic interviews by judges, and divorcing spouses and their respective lawyers, control what the children say, to have the best chance of winning custody. A Bombay High Court Judge recently lamented that more than 80% of children are tutored before their custody interview. Many custody battles involve some aspects of parental alienation.
Parental Alienation is a form of prolonged emotional abuse of the child, which adds a real toxic element to child development. In its severest form, it is worse than physical and sexual abuse. It may occur in high-conflict divorce cases when one parent (alienator) exhibits behaviors aimed at causing the child to become alienated from and hostile toward the target parent. If the target parent initiates divorce proceedings, the alienator may alienate the children from the target parent by blaming that parent for the collapse of the marriage. Some alienators punish the child for wanting a relationship with the other parent, or they may remove the child to another country so that it becomes difficult for the target parent and child to maintain a relationship.
Alienating behaviors by the alienator include badmouthing, limiting contact, confiding in the child, asking the child to spy on the other parent, referring to that parent by first name, withholding important information from the other parent, and undermining the authority of the target parent. Alienators may even go to the extent of brainwashing the child to create false memories of child abuse and sexual molestation.
Psychological or emotional abuse includes verbal abuse, constant criticism, more subtle tactics such as intimidation and manipulation, and refusal ever to be pleased. The alienator uses words or actions
to control the child, to keep the child afraid or isolated, or to break the child’s selfesteem. These children experience severe mental stress when exposed to information inconsistent with their beliefs or values: This is known as cognitive dissonance. Children who have succumbed to parental alienation and are invested in it, when confronted with contrary evidence, expend great effort to justify retaining the challenged perspective. A study showed that children who were bullied at ages 8 and 10 had a higher risk of psychosis at age 12. The more intense and frequent the bullying, the greater the risk of psychosis. The psychological trauma is a lot worse for the child if the parent is the bully.
Brain Development Continues into Young Adulthood (24 Years of Age or More)
Prolonged emotional abuse can potentially injure the child’s brain as follows:
Children who experience emotional abuse may show:
It may be related to recent events, but if there are pre-existing injuries, vulnerabilities, or psychopathologies, they may be exacerbated or added to in unique ways such that the psychological effects of the event at issue go beyond the de minimis range.
The child’s life becomes even more unbearable if the alienator takes the child to a therapist and demands that the child conform.
If the mental health professional lacks either empathy or knowledge about parental alienation, the child will be further harmed. Some therapists ignore the psychopathology in the alienator, succumb to the alienator’s false narratives, make a wrong diagnosis, and treat the child with psychotropic drugs, which may not help and can cause more harm by predisposing these children to suicide.
At the lower end of the scale are mild alienators who make subtle attempts to affect the child’s feelings toward the other parent, which may include unpleasant comments, subtle manipulation, or attempts to ruin the other parent’s image without directly damaging the parent-child connection. We can refer to this phase as an early indicator. Next are the moderate alienators with a more apparent escalation of alienating behaviors, such as restricting the child’s interactions with the other parent, depicting that parent in a persistently bad light, and encouraging a sense of harmony with the alienator parent. For this, we can use the term progressive alienation. The outcome in these cases depends on the judge’s ability to detect and obtain a psychological evaluation. Serious situations entail intentional efforts by extreme alienators to exclude the other parent from the child’s life through false domestic violence or child abuse cases or other legal maneuvers, isolating the child (via parental child abduction), emotional manipulation, telling the child that the other parent is dangerous, fostering the belief in the child that they are being rejected by the other parent, etc.
Subjected to such indoctrination by an alienator, the children may turn on the targeted parent, vilify them, reject them, and show no ambivalence or remorse in treating them cruelly. The trauma is suffered not just by the rejected parent but also by the child who is robbed of a normal childhood, normal sibling relationships, and a relationship with the targeted parent. This new family dynamic is something that the evaluators, mental health professionals, and family court judges should be aware of and approach with sensitivity.
Managing parental alienation involves intricate family dynamics where the children (who would benefit from having a healthy relationship with both parents) are enmeshed in the emotional conflict between their parents (who may be driven by their anger).
The behaviors of alienator parents have often been attributed to a certain personality type, especially those associated with Cluster B Personality Disorders such as narcissistic (it’s all about me), borderline functioning (excessive emotionality), and antisocial personality (lying and callous with regards to hurting others, which in its severe form is referred to as psychopathic personality).
Narcissistic and borderline personality disorders are at times concurrently diagnosed, and an antisocial personality disorder may overlap too. Similarities between these personality disorders include a fear of abandonment, an unhealthy approach to conflict, unstable relationships, and a constant need for attention. Among the above-mentioned personality disorders, narcissists stand out because they can lie, manipulate, and fool most people, and are extremely convincing when playing the role of the victim.
Alienators have no internal conflict. They feel no remorse or guilt for the lies/wrong actions because they falsely believe they are right, make up the truth to suit themselves, and then passionately believe the story they made up. Alienators who exhibit this level of viciousness have often experienced serious trauma in early childhood that went untreated, or they come from a disastrously dysfunctional family with alcoholism, incest, extra-marital affairs, multiple failed relationships, divorces, etc.
As parental alienation is a complex issue, shifting the focus to myriads of contributing factors is important. Families experiencing parental alienation have their distinctive reasons, histories, emotions, motivations, unresolved conflicts, fears, contexts, and contributing events.
Unresolved conflict: Alienating parents without psychopathology may have several prolonged and intense unresolved conflicts and anger towards the other parent and this constant exposure can instil animosity and resentment in the minds of the children.
Intergenerational trauma: A parent who grapples with unresolved trauma, replicates similar behavioral patterns in their early lives and is caught in a self-reinforcing cycle where abusive behaviors and vicious conduct are perpetuated.
Feelings of insecurity and inadequacy: A parent who is feeling insecure and inadequate may participate in alienating behaviors to cope with their internal conflicts. This would give them a pseudo sense of satisfaction.
Emotionally dependent: Alienating parents often turn to their children for excessive and unhealthy support. They may feel handicapped in high-conflict divorces and therefore, desperately resort to manipulating tactics to win the child’s love and affection.
Excessive need for control: the alienator feels the need for control and will go to great lengths to be in control. They will often try to change the child’s thought process to make the child say or do something that might deeply hurt the targeted parent.
Need for sympathy: the alienator often says certain phrases which make the child feel sorry for them and this is used to gain the loyalty of the child. It is also used to gain the sympathy and support of family and friends and to isolate the target parent.
Master manipulators: influence the kind of relationship the child has with the other parent, increasing the child’s dependency on themselves, promising material objects, and refuting or not acknowledging positive comments about the target parent.
Parental Alienation is child abuse. It can have consequences that are potentially more damaging than physical or sexual abuse. The affected child may present with depression, anxiety, addictions, poor relationships, and suicide. Mental health professionals should occupy four roles: Evaluator, Therapist, Parent Coordinator, and Reunification Specialist.
The signs of Parental Alienation can be:
Typically, children benefit from the presence of both parents. They are harmed when an alienating parent uses them to accomplish their vendetta, thereby ignoring the needs of the children. These children are harmed even more if society and the Courts either fail to recognise or ignore parental alienation. False accusations are the main tools utilised in Court by alienators (and their lawyers); (i) The legal system must become sophisticated enough to distinguish between false accusations and real problems. Evidence of lying in other situations; for instance, suggests an individual who is prone to lying. Such parents will use their gender to their advantage to get away with their lies. (ii) Parents who make false accusations are generally those who have a Cluster B personality disorder. These disorders can be diagnosed by using the Minnesota Multiphasic Psychological Inventory (MMPI), Millon Clinical Multiaxial Inventory (MCMI), and Rorschach Inkblot Test. The courts should utilise the services of a team of properly trained mental health experts. Understanding of the phenomenon of projection can clarify who is doing what to whom. Professionals who understand false accusations can clarify what the alienating parent is doing. (iii) There are also standardized tools to measure children’s current perceptions and adult’s memories to measure parental acceptance or rejection, one such tool is Parental Acceptance- Rejection Questionnaire (PARQ). (iv) Legal and mental health professionals need to be better educated about Parental Alienation and personality disorders. Fortunately, there are many helpful resources explaining the nature of parental alienation and internet searches can uncover most of these. (v) There is also a Parental Alienation Study Group (PASG) that includes more than 440 individuals from 47 countries. Most of them are mental health experts and legal professionals, but some are simply individuals with a strong interest in this topic, including alienated parents and grandparents. (vi) When handling a case of Parental Alienation, it may be effective for the lawyer to drag the focus of the court on alienating behaviors such as blocking visitation arrangements that have been specified in a custody agreement or a court order.
Almost 20 years ago, some judges did start understanding that Parental Alienation can cause life-long damage, and some lawyers who were habitual offenders were exposed. Despite that, some legal professionals are unable to shed their prejudices.
Shown below are some such examples:
The relevant extract of the aforesaid opinion is quoted below: “Interference with a parent-child relationship, or parental alienation, is sometimes referred to as ‘psychological kidnapping,’ and means ‘any constellation of behaviors by a parent, whether conscious or unconscious, that could evoke a disturbance in the relationship between a child and the targeted parent. The behaviors listed included ‘cutting off the other parent’s access to information about the child[ren], … denying him or her information about the children’s activities, or access to the child’s medical or school records,’ and limiting ‘the other parent’s contact with the child by refusing to allow telephone conversations or visits.’ When a district court finds a ‘denial of, or interference with, a duly established parenting schedule,’ the court may modify the custody arrangements. “
Parental alienation can be very difficult to prove in Court because the alienating parent is generally extremely cunning/ is an expert at playing the victim, may be guided by a lawyer who knows how to mislead the Court, and the Court itself may have a gender bias.
It may be effective for the target parent and their lawyer to insist that the Court order a custody evaluation and psychological testing and assessment of the parties and their children. They should make the court focus on alienating behaviors such as blocking visitation arrangements that have been specified in a custody agreement or court order and reports of the psychological testing and assessment of the parties and their children. This becomes especially more essential when a foreign citizen child has been fraudulently removed from their home overseas in violation of preexisting orders of a competent court that has jurisdiction over the parties and their children. In such cases, the alienator (who knows how to misuse the legal system) files false cases and challenges the foreign court’s orders in India. During the 10-15 years it takes for the cases to be heard, the alienator continues denying the other parent the right of access and continues indulging in parental alienation under the tutorage of a lawyer (who knows that there is no penalty for misleading the court). It is shameful that in most such situations, neither the alienator nor the tutor is brought to justice.
WHAT SHOULD THE LAWYER FOR THE ALIENATING PARENT DO
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